Texas Bound...

Well here it is already, almost time to head back to Texas....where did the last month or so go? I can't remember. I think it is the coming off of winter break, trying to return to daily routines, trying to sleep, trying to meet deadlines for paperwork, planning trips, appt's here and there to get too, missing those we have lost and just trying to COPE with it all... so I guess I just busied myself with everything and now it is gone and I can no longer hide from this trip that I have to make. Don't get me wrong, it will be good to see all of my family and friends there, I just wish it was under different circumstances.

My mind is not focusing much, I am more than a bit preoccupied. I have a lot of things to figure out/decisions to make about what to do with Dad's estate and belongings. I feel it looming down on me. I haven't slept well in months. I am restless and scatter brained. Truth be told, I am scared... and sad... and worried...and I can no longer hide it.
I do not have to make these decisions all on my own, but somehow that fact is not helping me right now. I am just so lost...so heartbroken...so tired. I have a TON of anxiety about leaving the kids, which is just dumb because I have two of the best, most amazing and most capable women/angels looking after them while we are away. I find my mind wandering, drifting and constantly over-thinking everything. I am scared that I will make the wrong decisions, hurt people's feelings or have regrets later on when it comes to deciding what to do with everything.
I just HATE this...I really do.

Life right now feels a bit like a merry go round spinning all too fast.
I feel dizzy, off balance- life is all rushing by in a spinning blur.
I am in serious need of some grace right now...
life throws curve balls and I am trying my best to accept that and roll with the punches. It is definitely easier said than done- for sure.
We leave very early on Wednesday morning and will be back on March 7th. I have this huge fear of just losing it when I walk into Dad's house. I know it will smell like him, but I'll know that he never made it home and hasn't been there in a long while. I am truly just scared...scared that I will hurt more, which I just can't imagine right now.
Like I said...I am in serious need of some GRACE.
I am going to carry these pictures with me in hopes that they will help me be strong and remind me that Dad is always, always with me. I was only 2 days old in the top picture. He was such a gentle giant when I was little. The picture below was almost 11 years ago on my wedding day. We were both "full of nerves"...we were laughing at each other. I will never forget that day.

Please send positive thoughts/prayers our way for a safe trip.

I hope that none of you think I am complaining/whining...I am not. I simply feel better once I get difficult things "off my chest". I have a habit of keeping them bottled up.

Love to you all-