30 Days...
It's been 30 days since my world completely stopped turning...at this very moment, 30 days ago- I was sitting on my floor in total and complete shock, rage, confusion, turmoil, heartache...I hadn't moved from the floor since getting that phone call about my Dad. My legs would not work, I was shaking like crazy and knew that I had to get up and talk to my babies about why I had been screaming and lying on the floor for over an hour. It has been the most difficult thing I have had to do so far in my life-time. Not much has changed for me on the inside in 30 days. I am not lying on the floor anymore- but the rest is still there...and there are days/times that I wish I didn't have to get up or move at all...but I know I can't give into it. I am so ANGRY about Dad's accident. I am so ANGRY that I only got 62 years with my Father, my Hero, my Rock, my Anchor in life. Why was it his time to go? I asked God to get him home safely. I know that he doesn't always answer yes to everything I ask...but I wasn't ready for my Dad to go dammit!!! I feel that I probably shouldn't post this stuff, but everyone wants to know how I am doing/feeling...and I am tired of saying that I am OK. I am not...I know that in a long while...I probably will be, but not right now. I am so sad and broken that I can't see straight or think straight. I don't know how to process all of this.
I am so ANGRY that my babies lost not just one Grandpa, but two in just a few short weeks!! WHY? I don't get it...how is it fair that Pat and I had to sit poor Mac down and say...so sorry honey, but another Grandpa didn't make it. It just plain sucks and we are all tired of hurting. The holidays will never be the same. Thanksgiving is forever marked by Dad's accident and the long and horrible days around it. Griff turned 2 on December 1st and spent it on an airplane to get to Texas to bury Grandpa Tex. Everything is just a blur...I think we have been home about 2 weeks. I have tried so hard to make things normal around here and up-beat for Christmas and the kids...if I was being graded, I would probably barely pass. Pat's dad passed away Sunday morning. I again found myself with my feet knocked right out from under me...I was barely on them anyway, but it was another blow. It's now only 3 days to Christmas and I also realized that Mac's 11th b-day is only 8 days away and I have not planned a thing for him. Then it's New Year's...I don't even want to go there right now.
I pray constantly for some relief from all this anger that I feel. I pray for just a little comfort, a little peace. I pray for strength every time Lilly looks at me with her huge brown eyes and cries "I miss Grandpa", without even knowing that she has lost another one.
I pray that each day will get easier...
I am trying...trying to be patient, trying to let go...
I am tired, so tired...but I don't sleep. I think of how bad WE ARE ALL HURTING. It's overwhelming and exhausting. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am so thankful for my kids and Pat. I get up every day for them right now...I make myself do all the things that need doing for them right now. I have not a clue where I'd be without them.
I sure hope tomorrow is a better day. Love you all-
I am so ANGRY that my babies lost not just one Grandpa, but two in just a few short weeks!! WHY? I don't get it...how is it fair that Pat and I had to sit poor Mac down and say...so sorry honey, but another Grandpa didn't make it. It just plain sucks and we are all tired of hurting. The holidays will never be the same. Thanksgiving is forever marked by Dad's accident and the long and horrible days around it. Griff turned 2 on December 1st and spent it on an airplane to get to Texas to bury Grandpa Tex. Everything is just a blur...I think we have been home about 2 weeks. I have tried so hard to make things normal around here and up-beat for Christmas and the kids...if I was being graded, I would probably barely pass. Pat's dad passed away Sunday morning. I again found myself with my feet knocked right out from under me...I was barely on them anyway, but it was another blow. It's now only 3 days to Christmas and I also realized that Mac's 11th b-day is only 8 days away and I have not planned a thing for him. Then it's New Year's...I don't even want to go there right now.
I pray constantly for some relief from all this anger that I feel. I pray for just a little comfort, a little peace. I pray for strength every time Lilly looks at me with her huge brown eyes and cries "I miss Grandpa", without even knowing that she has lost another one.
I pray that each day will get easier...
I am trying...trying to be patient, trying to let go...
I am tired, so tired...but I don't sleep. I think of how bad WE ARE ALL HURTING. It's overwhelming and exhausting. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am so thankful for my kids and Pat. I get up every day for them right now...I make myself do all the things that need doing for them right now. I have not a clue where I'd be without them.
I sure hope tomorrow is a better day. Love you all-
posted by Pat and Laura Potter at
7:21 PM
2 Comments:
I am so sorry for your pain...and the pain of your entire family. Having lost my Dad 2.5 years ago, I have so much empathy for you. My dad had cancer so it was not a surprise for us. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you feel.
I probably shouldn't say this, but I only hope that it will bring you some comfort. It took about a month for me to finally let myself feel the pain a little bit. I was angry that Dad was gone from us, but it seemed for me that I got a little bit angrier every time that someone told me that it would get better with time. I think that maybe in some ways it can get better. And still today there are days that I am totally paralyzed by the pain.
I don't think that we will ever be fine with the loss. I think we just learn to identify who we are without the men that molded us into the women that we are today.
I pray for peace for you. That will take time, but know that it is perfectly acceptable to take the time to throw a fit in the middle of the floor when you need to release.
My heart hurts for you. Know that you are loved by so many.
Thanks Pam. I appreciate your wisdom very much...I am so lost and shaken right now. They are a big comfort. Love ya'll. Have a wonderful Christmas.
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