He's Not Here....

Not too long ago, I sat on my front porch with two beers...waiting for the loud roar of my Dad's truck turning onto my street...

 Why? 

Well, he came here every year at about the same time and I would wait on the porch for him with a beer in hand to greet him and hug him. The drive from Texas to here is a long one and he would always do it in record time, he needed a beer and I enjoyed drinking one with him and talking about his drive.

I sat on my porch for an hour...I knew I wasn't going to hear his truck and I knew he wasn't going to arrive, but I just sat there, hoping...but I knew he wasn't coming. It was heart-breaking...I decided to open both beers. I drank mine and then drank his, just in case they don't have beer in Heaven.

I know he's gone. I know, I know, I know...but...I keep looking everywhere for him. I keep wanting to set up his bed and get his room ready. I keep listening for his footsteps hitting my tile floors. I keep thinking "wait for Dad" when we are loading up in the truck to head out to Mac's football games. I keep looking for the "perfect" Christmas present for him...

IT SUCKS. 

I want him back. 

I know I am suppose to let go, accept it...It is what it is...he is up high now. He's not sick, not hurting, not frustrated...not sad...not anything but happy....so I have been told. 

What if he isn't...what if he misses us so badly, nothing fixes it for him...what if he is so mad that he still had lots he wanted to do...what if he just wasn't ready to go? What if-

I have decided- I hate "what if".

I have always believed that the mind determines what's possible and the heart surpasses it. I think that my heart is still hurting so badly from the loss of him, that I just haven't been able to convince my mind to move past it. There's no pill, no conversation, no amount of sleep, no amount of exercise, no doctor, no amount of tears, no amount of screaming, no amount of busy, hustle and bustle daily schedules, etc that can fix it...

I have tried it all.

 My doctor says go to counseling...I am not up for that. Counseling is not my thing...I have my reasons, my doctor respects that. I have a STRONG support system...more than most people. My family and friends are all beyond amazing and loving. I can call  and talk to any of them at any time, day or night...

Maybe I am just now processing it all...we had 3 deaths in our family, all in a very short amount of time, all around the holidays...since the day I got the call about my Dad, nothing has been the same...nothing. It has been a constant, every day, knock the breath out of me life changing deal. 

He is so deeply missed by us...and many others.

My bond with him still runs strong and deep...I think of him almost all the time. 

I had the carpets cleaned today and I told the guy to go around the stain on our carpet in the living room because it was from my Dad's boots and I didn't want it gone or cleaned...he looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am...LOL-

I know I am strong...I know most of you know how strong I am...but this has really knocked me down. 

We are coming up on the one year mark of his accident and one year mark of others we had to say goodbye to, lots of birthdays, holidays, the new year...and I am still lost and hurt. 

Maybe it's not strength I need...I think I need courage...courage to surrender to the grief and hurt that I need to face in order to heal. I now know...that it takes a lot of courage, not strength to face it.

 So, if your thinking of us as we get closer to the one year mark...please pray for me, for all of us. We still need them.

I plow thru each day and face anything and everything head-on...I just get tired sometimes. I am thankful for the great life, love, family and friends I have. I try to never take them for granted. We are very blessed.

I have just always been my "Daddy's Girl" and I really miss him. He was a HUGE part of our family...we all miss him.

Thanks for reading...

And Dad, I hope they do have beer in Heaven.

Love and miss you with all I have,

Laura Lynn